When No One Was There: Healing from Childhood Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect doesn’t leave bruises, but it can leave you feeling unseen, unheard, and unworthy. The good news? These wounds can heal.

Childhood emotional neglect is reported by about 18% of the adult population (Kumari, 2020). Unlike physical abuse, emotional neglect leaves no visible scars. Instead, it is about what wasn’t there — the absence of attention, guidance, comfort, and encouragement.

Ever feel a deep emptiness, self-doubt, or disconnection you can’t explain? Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) often leaves invisible scars that shape our self-worth, relationships, and sense of belonging.

As psychologist Jonice Webb (2013) points out in her book Running on Empty, emotional neglect is often hard to spot. Adults may struggle to connect present difficulties — such as low self-worth, emptiness, or difficulties with relationships — back to the childhood lack of emotional validation and nurturing care.

Research shows that emotional neglect has profound consequences. It is linked to higher risks of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and vulnerability to complex PTSD (Tingberg & Nilsson, 2020). And it doesn’t stop at mental health: neglect in childhood also increases the likelihood of chronic physical illness and health-risk behaviors later in life (Norman et al., 2012).

So, what exactly does emotional neglect mean in everyday life? Unlike a single traumatic event, it’s often invisible because it’s about the absence of something essential rather than the presence of harm. To understand this better, let’s look at what emotional neglect is (and isn’t), and how emotional presence might look in practice.

What Emotional Neglect Really Means

All children deserve to be cherished, to have at least one wise and grounded adult who provides steadiness, reassurance, and caring guidance. Think for a moment:

• Do you remember delight in your parent’s gaze?

• The feeling of safely resting in their arms when you were sad, disappointed, or defeated?

• Moments of warm reassurance, encouragement, or conversations that made you feel better about yourself and the world around you?

  
  

For many, the answer is no. You may have grown up with food on the table, a beautiful house, holidays, and all the formal care provided — yet without the love, presence, and attuned care you truly needed.

What Emotional Presence and Attuned Care Look Like

The other day my son came to me, visibly upset.

Him: “Nobody likes me!”

Me: “Sounds like you had a tough day, hey?”

Him: “Yeah, I hate myself!”

Me: “You hate yourself?”

Him: “Yes! I’m terrible!”

Me: “What happened?”

Him: “I was trying to draw a tank, but I couldn’t. It looked like a baby’s drawing! I’m the worst at drawing!”

Me: “That must feel really frustrating.”

Him: “Yes!”

Me: “And disappointing too?”

Him: “Yes! I feel like crying.”

Me: “Yes, people cry from sadness, frustration, or anger sometimes.”

Him: “When we get home can we have a cuddle?”

We had a cuddle. Then we talked about frustration — how learning has ups and downs, and how even adults feel this way. Later that afternoon, after some rest and a snack, he went back to drawing — this time creating something he was proud of.

Now, I know my son has many friends. He’s actually a good artist. It would have been easy — tempting, even — to cut him off with:

• “What do you mean? You have plenty of friends.”

• “No, you’re not terrible. You draw beautifully.”

  
  

That’s what many of us do without thinking. But doing so would have dismissed his feelings in the moment. If I did that often enough, he would learn to stop sharing. He would start questioning whether his emotions matter. Over time, that chips away at trust, self-esteem, and confidence.

This small moment of presence — listening, validating, offering comfort — is exactly what many adults missed in childhood. When these moments are absent, children adapt by hiding their feelings, doubting their worth, and learning to do it alone.

How Emotional Neglect Echoes into Adulthood

Because emotional neglect is about absence, it is tricky to recognize. But its effects can echo into adult life in subtle yet powerful ways, including:

• Difficulty identifying and expressing feelings

• An inner sense of emptiness or “something missing”

• Feeling undeserving of love or support

• Struggles with boundaries or self-care

• Gravitation toward distant or dismissive partners

  
  

Jonice Webb describes this as the fatal flaw — a deep, private sense that something is wrong with you, even though you can’t name what. It’s not a flaw at all, but the echo of not being emotionally nurtured as a child.

And while you can’t change the past, you can begin to fill your own cup now. Healing is about giving yourself the care you once lacked, step by step.

Practical Steps Toward Healing

1. Acknowledge the Gap

Start by naming it: “I wasn’t given the tools, but I can learn them now.”This shift moves you from self-blame to self-compassion.

2. Build Emotional Awareness

Neglect often disconnects us from our emotions. Try simple check-ins:

• What am I feeling right now?

• Where do I notice it in my body?

  
  

  Using a journal or a “feelings wheel” can help expand your emotional vocabulary.

  
  

3. Practice Self-Soothing

When emotions feel overwhelming, experiment with calming practices:

• Slow breathing with long exhales

• Wrapping yourself in a blanket or giving yourself a gentle hug

• Listening to grounding sounds like rain, waves, or calming music

4. Learn Healthy Nurturing

Imagine what a caring adult might say to a child in your shoes, then practice saying it to yourself:

• “You’re safe now.”

• “It makes sense you feel this way.”

  
  

  This is the practice of reparenting — slowly internalizing a supportive, kind inner voice.

5. Create Rituals of Care

Small, consistent acts reinforce the message that you matter:

• Making yourself a nourishing meal

• Keeping a bedtime routine

• Decluttering your space to create calm

• Protecting your energy by saying “no”

• Learning how to cherish good moments and positive emotions - Read more

6. Seek Connection

Emotional neglect may leave you feeling like you’re a burden. In truth, healthy relationships are reciprocal. Start small — share a little of yourself with safe people. Therapy, support groups, or communities focused on healing can help you learn new relational patterns.

7. Redefine Love and Care

Neglect can make us chase what feels familiar: distance, dismissal, or inconsistency. Healing involves retraining yourself to notice and accept real care — patience, listening, respect, and consistency.

A Gentle Reminder

Learning self-care after emotional neglect isn’t about becoming perfectly self-sufficient. It’s about giving yourself what was missing and allowing healthy connections in.

Healing takes time, but every small step you take is a way of saying to yourself:

My needs matter.

I matter.

Invitation to Connect

If this post resonates with you — if you recognize parts of your own story in these words, or you’re curious about exploring these ideas more deeply — I welcome you to reach out.

In a counselling session, we can gently explore your experiences, help you build self-care and emotional awareness, and create practical ways to nurture the parts of yourself that may have been overlooked.

You don’t have to navigate this alone. You can learn more about me here and when you feel ready, you can contact me here to arrange a confidential session.

References

Kumari, V. (2020). Emotional abuse and neglect: Time to focus on prevention and mental health consequences. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 217(5), 597–599. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjp.2020.154

Norman, R. E., Byambaa, M., De, R., Butchart, A., Scott, J., & Vos, T. (2012). The long-term health consequences of child physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect: A systematic review and meta-analysis. PLoS Medicine, 9(11), e1001349. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1001349

Tingberg, B., & Nilsson, D. (2020). Child neglect – still a neglected problem in the global world: A review. International Journal on Child Maltreatment: Research, Policy and Practice, 3(3), 271–286. https://doi.org/10.1007/s42448-020-00056-1

Webb, J. (2013). Running on Empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect. Morgan James Publishing.