Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse

Whether it was a partner, a parent, or someone else close to you — being in a relationship where your needs were ignored, your boundaries didn’t matter, or everything somehow became your fault can leave deep emotional scars.

You may not even be sure what to call it. But you know something felt off. You felt small, confused, or like you were constantly trying to be “enough.”

That’s where recovery begins — not with having all the answers, but with a quiet knowing that something needs to change. Recovery is not linear, but below are some of the common stages people move through.

It is worth discovering what's on another side

1. Making Sense of It All

“Was it really that bad?”

At first, there’s often a fog. You might feel guilty, unsure, or even wonder if you’re being dramatic. This is a common response — minimising your pain was likely part of how you survived.

Recovery starts by gently creating space to explore what happened, without judgment. You don’t need perfect words or a neat story. You just need to begin.

How it may look like :

• Reading an old journal entry and realising how often you described feeling “confused” or “on edge,” even though you told yourself everything was fine.

• Talking to a trusted friend and noticing the shock on their face when you describe behaviours you had normalised.

• Catching yourself justifying someone else’s hurtful actions (“They were stressed,” “It was just a joke”) and starting to wonder: What if it wasn’t okay?

  
  

2. Naming the Patterns

“Oh... that was gaslighting.”

The moment of recognition can be both painful and liberating. You may start to notice behaviours like manipulation, blame-shifting, or walking on eggshells.

Learning terms like gaslighting, trauma bonding, narcissistic rage, or emotional neglect doesn’t box you in — it gives you clarity. And with clarity, self-trust slowly returns.

How it may look like :

• Remembering times when your reality was denied (“That never happened,” “You’re too sensitive”) and realising it was gaslighting.

• Seeing how you constantly apologised for things that weren’t your fault, because blame was always shifted onto you.

• Recognising how often you predicted someone’s reactions and tried to keep the peace — classic “walking on eggshells.”

3. Building and Holding Boundaries

“I can say no. I’m allowed to take up space.”

Boundaries can feel terrifying if you were taught they weren’t allowed. Together, we work on recognising your limits — emotional, physical, mental — and learning how to hold them with less guilt and fear. Whether that means going low contact, no contact, or shifting how you respond, you don’t have to figure it out alone.

How it may look like :

• Letting a call go to voicemail instead of answering immediately, even if you fear the other person’s disapproval.

• Saying “I can’t talk about this right now” in a conversation where you once felt pressured to listen endlessly.

• Choosing to limit contact to text or email rather than in-person visits, to create a sense of safety.

• Protecting your time and energy by shifting your focus back onto yourself, instead of the person or people who hurt you. -> Read more on my blog about How to Take Your Power Back.

4. Grieving What Was (and What Wasn’t)

“I wish it had been different.”

Part of recovery is grief. Not just for the relationship itself, but for the love you longed for and never truly received. For the years you spent doubting yourself. This grief deserves space.

How it may look like :

• Feeling sadness when you see others receive the care or support you once begged for but didn’t get.

• Mourning the version of yourself who spent years trying harder, believing love would finally come if you just did more.

• Allowing yourself to cry not only for the loss of the relationship, but also for the unmet needs of your younger self.

5. Rebuilding Your Self

“I’m learning to hear my own voice again.”

Recovery isn’t about becoming someone new — it’s about remembering who you were before you were told to shrink.

You begin to reconnect with your own needs, values, and intuition. Your voice, once silenced or doubted, starts to feel steady again.

How it may look like :

• Taking up an old hobby you abandoned because it wasn’t “approved of.”

• Noticing what you like — music, food, clothing — without waiting for someone else’s opinion first.

• Practicing saying what you want (“I’d like Italian tonight”) instead of automatically deferring to others.

6. Moving Forward

“It doesn’t control me anymore.”

Slowly, you notice subtle shifts. Red flags stand out more clearly. You hold boundaries with greater ease. Other people’s moods or expectations no longer shake you as much.

This is recovery: not a single breakthrough, but a series of lasting changes that help you live with more freedom and authenticity.

How it may look like :

• Meeting someone new and spotting manipulative patterns early, instead of doubting your instincts.

• Feeling less need to explain or justify when you say no.

• Experiencing calm after an interaction that would once have triggered spirals of anxiety or self-blame.

• Noticing more and more moments of calm, ease, and joy.

  
  

Read more on my blog about how to let such moments soothe your nervous system and build your inner strength. -> The Practice of Sitting with ... Comfort

Final Note

Recovering after narcissistic abuse takes courage. It’s not linear, and you don’t have to do it alone. With support, compassion, and space to grow, healing becomes possible — one subtle shift at a time.

If any of this resonates, I’d be honoured to walk alongside you in your recovery. I'm offering counselling services here in Perth, WA or via zoom. Learn more about me or Book free 15 min zoom consultation now:

Connect